Leonard Woolf - You have a history. You have a history of confinement. We brought you to Richmond because you have a history of fits, moods, blackouts, hearing voices. We brought you here to save you from the irrevocable damage you intended upon yourself. You tried to kill yourself twice. I live daily with that threat. I set up the press... we set up the printing press not just for itself, not just purely for itself, but so that you might have a ready source of absorption and a remedy..

Virginia Woolf - Like needlework?

Leonard Woolf - It was done for you! It was done for your betterment. It was done out of love! If I didn't know you better, I'd call this ingratitude.

Virginia Woolf - I am ungrateful? You call me ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. Living in a town I have no wish to live in. I'm living a life I have no wish to live. How did this happen? It is time for us to move back to London. I miss London. I miss London life.

Leonard Woolf - This is not you speaking Virginia. This is an aspect of your illness.

Virginia Woolf - It is my voice. It is mine and mine alone. It is MINE. I'm dying in this town.

Leonard Woolf - If you were thinking clearly Virginia you will recall it was London that brought you low.

Virginia Woolf - Thinking clearly...

Leonard Woolf - I would report you to Richmond, to give you peace.

Virginia Woolf - If I were thinking clearly Leonard, then I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark and only I can know, only I can understand my own condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction, Leonard I live with it too. This is my right, 'tis the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. There by she defines her humanity. I wish for your sake Leonard I could be happier in this quietness, but if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.


2008.10.08 01:50

"He tried to weigh his soul to see if it was a poet's soul. Melancholy was the dominant note of his temperament, he thought, but it was a melancholy tempered by recurrences of faith and resignation and simple joy. If he could give expression to it in a book of poems perhaps men would listen."

"A Little Cloud", Dubliners. By James Joyce.

最近，每個晚上都讀一點 James Joyce。

這個封面我覺得蠻好看的。都是大學時看過的書了。如今要出新版，再讀，就覺得無限親切。

這裡有張大春的新版自序，一起讀吧。http://www.sudu.cc/front/bin/ptdetail.phtml?Part=INA204書卡資料一直滑下去，有幾欄搶先讀。

我的秋冬火鍋。

踏入秋冬，首場火鍋的伴竟是鄧某。席間一個對著貢丸，一個對著肥牛，開始了「馬先生叻」和「梁先生叻」的讚歎。這實在是跟火鍋無關的慣性粉絲行為。

最近沒有好好生活，帶著白天的壓抑根本無法安眠，唯一好處就是多了幾小時閱讀。吃完火鍋之後回家，來不及蓋被子，就倒頭睡去了。是太累了吧。深夜我夢見自己去了一個陌生的小鎮，天朗氣清。尋常的人們在過日子。路過一家烘焙小店，老闆叫我買個麵包吧，我說我走得匆忙，沒帶錢在身。他把麵包塞給我，笑著說：沒關係沒關係，下次再給好了。

如果我不醒，我想我應該是死了，去了天堂。而我還得找回烘焙店老闆，付四塊錢。

怎麼說。我可算是一個精神緊張的人，也許怕別人覺得我不夠努力，於是在可控制的範圍下不想出錯。反正我很不喜歡自己跟「懶」或「大意」扯上關係，否則我會落入一個發瘋及自責的狀態。一筆資料查完又查（這是我做傳媒時留下的習慣），發出去的稿子改完又改。書店裡有些瑣碎工作，盡量免遺漏，於是像小學生寫手冊一樣逐項記下，完成就用紅筆畫個 Done 字。如果連這樣也忘了，我就會狠狠痛罵自己，在旁寫：妳沒事吧？！或，一個字粗話。

為什麼我凌晨四時打開電腦寫這些呢。剛才還因失眠，躺在床上看書看了三個多小時，倦意毫無。腦海突然閃過幾個字，啊，白天好像寫錯，但已發出去。我想呀想，擔心得冒汗。不是比喻，我額頭真流了一滴汗。

《詩話：詩緣與詩教》。葉輝叔叔。自問不曾好好寫過一首詩，大概沒啥天份。但我是愛讀的。所以每次看輝叔談詩，也總懷著學習的心情。

25 號有個分享會，在序言書室。相信會很精彩的。

「我還是期待著，
有一天媽媽會突然回來。
如果還有機會，
我想跟媽媽說：『活下來，
活下來就會有好事發生的。』」 P.89

這冊薄薄的小書來了書店。以前讀過一部由日本翻譯過來的、相同題材的《說不出是自殺》（先覺文化），感覺比較不一樣。《我是自殺者遺族》書編得好，章節如文學。回家時邊走路邊看。我少看類近生命教育的書，甚少。但它的確是觸動了我。

自殺者遺族、想自殺者、曾自殺者。

I hate rumors.

駱以軍。