31.1.09



好一些朋友近來傳我這個。久石讓,天空之城。看完。優美的旋律。少年們的臉。感動到,覺得可以馬上抱著自己的心平靜地死去。

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我寫了一封很長的信給別人。算起來有二千多字。二千多字到底有多少個字母。字母裡面又重覆了多少次「我覺得」。
「我覺得」。「我覺得」的背後,是否足夠表達已不能信任彼此的訊息。

因為謊言太容易被拆穿。只要沉默。只要不追問。他說一切不似我想像般糟。但他無法確定,真實一面,是否如他口中所說的美好。

面對這,我並不快樂。我不快樂。我為此夜夜失眠。

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30.1.09

我很尊敬的人給了我一個牛年關鍵詞。廣東話:搭圾。

27.1.09

這是我最近常聽的。叫《大愛》。

26.1.09

24.1.09



據說今屆金球獎是精彩的是,Kate Winslet 的動人謝辭: Leo, I'm so happy I can stand here and tell you how much I love you and how much I've loved you for 13 years. And your performance in this film is nothing short of spectacular.

20.1.09

明明早已給拋到最外邊,突然又被扯回來,成為當中的一份子。那刻我感到極其孤獨。說完了。也不曉得為何。

我想說的是,一種孤獨。我拒絕,我寧可從此被隔離。

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如果電影選了這段來演,我一定一定會看到流淚。

"Actually, one of the reasons I've been hoping we could get together again is because there's something I'd like to tell you about: something kind of-- well, kind of neurotic and irrational that happened to me a few weeks ago."

And almost, if not quite, before he knew what his voice was up to, he was telling her about Maureen Grube. He did it with automatic artfulness, identifying her only as "a girl in New York, a girl I hardly even know," rather than as a typist at the office, careful to stress that there had been no emotional involvement on his part while managing to imply that her need for him had been deep and ungovernable. His voice, soft and strong with an occasional husky falter or hesitation that only enhanced its rhythm, combined the power of confession with the narrative grace of romantic storytelling.

"And I think the main thing was simply a case of feeling that my-- well, that my masculinity'd been threatened somehow by all that abortion business; wanting to prove something; I don't know. Anyway, I broke it off last week; the whole stupid business. It's over now; really over. If I weren't sure of that I guess I could never've brought myself to tell you about it."

For half a minute, the only sound in the room was the music on the radio.

"Why did you?" she asked.

He shook his head, still looking out the window. "Baby, I don't know. I've tried to explain it to you; I'm still trying to explain it to myself. That's what I meant about it being a neurotic, irrational kind of thing. I--"

"No," she said. "I don't mean why did you have the girl; I mean why did you tell me about it? What's the point? Is it supposed to make me jealous, or something? Is it supposed to make me fall in love with you, or back into bed with you, or what? I mean what am I supposed to say?"

He looked at her, feeling his face blush and twitch into an embarrassed simper that he tried, unsuccessfully, to make over into the psychiatric smile. "Why don't you say what you feel?"

She seemed to think this over a few seconds and then she shrugged. "I have. I don't feel anything."

"In other words you don't care what I do or who I go to bed with or anything. Right?"

"No, I guess that's right. I don't."

"But I want you to care!"

"I know you do. And I suppose I would if I loved you; but you see I don't. I don't love you and I never really have, and I never really figured it out until this week, and that's why I'd just as soon not do any talking right now. Do you see?"

~ Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates

19.1.09

事情多著。譬如檢查身體。譬如覆診。又譬如完成手頭上的一切。又譬如繁瑣俗務。

在街上碰見母親她說回去吃一頓飯吧。我回了,桌上的菜都是雙份的。兩道魚,兩道蔬食,兩道炒肉。很多。媽又老了。過了人生的一大半。而我呢。邊吃邊暗問自己。

事情真多著。窩著被子裡什麼都沒做。日出和日落。別人留言說,有空就回個電話。家裡兩夜沒開燈,只有手機屏幕的光。愈來愈覺得,無法好好對話。我也不想再說。

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18.1.09

11.1.09

一個寒冷但討好的城市。



http://ylaa.info


半年前收到一個女孩的電郵,談到她正努力張羅此事。最近,很高興聽到她說比賽開始徵稿了。

1.1.09

除夕。



除夕到處熱鬧。兩個人本來打算隨便找個地方吃飯,不擠了。轉入一條橫街,無意中發現一家小小的印尼餐廳。我從不留意飲食資訊,不曉得它其實大名鼎鼎。三十多年的老店。上菜慢,但你不必催,因為沒用。吃下幾口之後,就覺得等待也值。食物不華麗但實在,用的是不鏽鋼餐碟,沒有多餘的伴菜。店堂舊舊的,彷彿那麼多年無變。我特喜歡這盞燈。

除夕夜,吃的是印尼串燒,看的是《梅蘭芳》。凌晨剛過,我沒舉杯,掌心卻捧著一瓶熱薑奶。眼睛有點倦。我的零九年,是這樣開始的。

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電影對白。

畹華,不知道看到這封信是什麼時候,
如果是散戲的時候,我想對你說,祝賀演出成功。
如果是開戲之前,我想對你說,畹華,別怕。

《梅蘭芳》

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